Bad ideas.

1. Walking up to me to lecherously say, "Hola, Mami." I am not your Mommy (I think I would have remembered) and I don't speak Spanish. You would have much better luck if you greeted me with a big, "Servus!"

2. Saying to a co-worker, "You know what, if we try to cut and paste in from too many different documents, the margins are just going to get all screwed up. Why don't I just type the whole thing from scratch?"

3. Tipping the Fresh Direct guy one dollar. Fresh Direct always sends two delivery men so that even if the first guy is carrying two boxes, the second guy will show up carrying a bag of frozen scones. Perhaps this is supposed to be some kind of checks and balances system, or perhaps one guy's primary job is to ring the buzzer, but it actually makes me more nervous (You hold her down! I'll tickle her!). And of course, they don't just bring the food to your door, they pride themselves on bringing it right into your kitchen. So now it's Halloween night. I signed up for the latest delivery slot - 10:00pm - 11:30pm so I had time to get home from the Young Alums event. I have two giant men each over 6'4" tall standing in my kitchen. They can easily see I live alone in a small (messy) apartment. Granted, it's totally my fault that I came home from the bar without enough money for a proper tip, but if you actually read the Fresh Direct page, it says that tipping is optional. Oh ha ha. Also, I live on the ground floor. So I sign for my food and say "Sorry, I only have a single." The guy rolls eyes back into his head as if to say "fucking bourgeois swine" and I spend the rest of the night wondering if they will return on the end of their route to egg my front window with organic free range eggs.


4. John Kerry. John Kerry, let's review the rules of Musical Chairs. When the music stops, the person who doesn't have a seat is out. You don't get to play anymore. You cannot simply wait until you have determined enough time has passed and then get back in the game. Nor can you play from the sidelines with your mouth. It's over. And don't give me that bullshit about modified Musical Chairs where no one ever gets out - you just have to sit on each other's laps. That is something some hippie parents created because they were concerned about self-esteem; and if you want to see how successful and dynamic coalition governments are, just look at Italy and Germany.

Look Kerry, if I were you I'd be living it up on that ketchup money and out on the old wind-surfing board whenever possible but if you absolutely can't sit on your hands, why not go the Al Gore route and grow a beard, shave the beard, then make a movie.