Okay, but I still don't know who Jessica Alba is.

I'm certain that there are many of you out there who have wondered, what would it be like to watch the Oscars with some smokin' hot grammar-lovin' snarky babes? Well, perhaps you can get a feel for the thing if I recount some Oscar episodes for you from last night. MuppetLover and I made up some trays of food then headed to Alphabet's beautiful apartment to watch the Academy Awards with her and LaHipster.

LaHipster had to be routinely hosed down to keep from making lascivious suggestions whenever Jake and Joquain were on the screen. However, she also gave the ladies their due saying of Ms. Witherspoon, "She is just so sweet I want to fold her up and stick her in an oatmeal packet and carry her around with me."

ML restated her belief that "pregnant is the new black", later recanting that "black is the new black" and finally switching to "nipple is the new black", this upon catching a glance at one of Uma's, although I quarreled the semantics and said what we actually saw was a peak of aureola.

Alphabet surprised us by announcing that she saw Hustle & Flow the day it came out, although this was no where near as shocking as when LaHip proclaimed her love of the film Titantic. While we speculated which Parkinson drugs Lauren Bacall might be taking, LaHip winced at her speech, "God, that was a terrible conjunction."

During the performance of the Oscar-nominated song from Crash LaHip and MuppetLover begged me to make some mention of this on my blog. But what can you say about a musical number that includes the burning shell of a car and a hideous slow/stop motion ballet? We could not focus on the actual song but this travesty made us all appreciate Dolly Parton as a class act. Then, things actually got worst with the performance of "You Know it's Hard Out There for a Pimp"- a song that may sound good when it has been produced, but last night's live performance was just awful.

LaHip woke up from her doze on the couch to see her boy Philip Seymour win Best Actor. I continued to be terrorized by camera shots of Marc Anthony and the sight of Keanu and Sandra together again. Dare we dream that Speed 3 is in the works? The appearance of Charlize Theron on screen only confused us as we weren't sure whether to make eye contact with her or that thing on her shoulder.

You have to admit that Brokeback got robbed in the Best Supporting Actor and Actress categories. I thought Jon Stewart did okay, although his humor plays better in a small television studio. The Oscar lobbying parodies were soundly 'eh'. Stewart was at his best when making spontaneous, impromptu jokes. You may have noticed that I did not win an Oscar- I wasn't really expecting ton win one, but it is still a disappointment. Here's hoping 2007 will be my year.