Monday, March 06, 2006

Fabrizio or Fabreze?

Last night LaHipster confessed that whenever she sees a loving couple in a domestic/nesting situation she wants to kick them in the teeth. So you see, I am not the only one. A trip to Target usually presents a lot of teeth-kicking opportunities for me as I watch lovebirds playing house up and down the aisles (-50 points if you have a bag of kitty litter in your cart) but this Satruday I witnessed a real stunner.

So I was at Target on Saturday night, and no, I do not want to talk about why I was spending Saturday night at Target. Things were cruisin' right along, because instead of my usual 57 item shopping list, I just had to pick up a few things and I had not yet undergone the soul-curshing experience of standing in the check-out line. I stepped into an aisle and there was a young, blond couple hanging on each other. I quickly looked away, but the image was already registering. The guy looked very familiar. Where did I know him from? Think, Cupcake, think. Then I realized, it was Dr. Corey, my 17-yeard old pharmacist!

It was amusing in a 'what are the odds of that?' kind of way and I figured I'd grab what I needed on the aisle and get lost. But then Dr. Corey opened his mouth. "So, how much do I love you?" Dr. Corey asked his girl. "Or, how much do I fear you?"

The wide-eyed girl with the mannerisms of a 14-year old said, "What? What?"

"Andy called and invited me to The Strokes concert. And he has backstage passes. But I said, no, I've got to help carry home the groceries tonight."

"Oh no!" said the Betsy-Wetsy, I mean, the Girlfriend in her babytalk voice.

"Yup, I could be hanging out backstage right now, doing shots with Drew Barrymore, but I wanted to be here with you."

"You should have told me," said the girl. "You should have gone."

"No. Go without you? Come on, I'm here. Now, what do we need on this aisle?" This sent the girl into quite a state. She put her arms around his neck and began hanging off him like an albatross. Then she began whining, "No, no. I want you to go! You should go! You should go." Dr.Corey continued his noble posturing.

People, it was like a trainwreck. I wanted to look away but I could not. Instead some kind of Stendhal Syndrome kept me rooted in place and as I was forced to choke down my dry heaves. Worse, I really needed something on this aisle and they were in the way. Dr.Corey tried to calm down the hysterical girl by saying that he had to go to work tomorrow early anyway and also, he may have said that he loved her. I went to the next aisle then backtracked, but the spectacle continued. I couldn't take it anymore, I wasn't going to wait for them to finish this scene because I was on the verge of breaking my personal best record and getting out of Target in under two hours. Finanlly, I think Dr.Corey grew a little embarassed by my disguisted but covert gawking and they moved to another aisle. But at that point I was so discombobulated I couldn't remember what I was looking for or make any kind of coherent decision. I felt my eyes bulging out of of my head.

Later, after enduring check-out line hell, I couldn't pick up a cab so I ran to catch the bus not noticing that it was a Limited. Instead of stopping two blocks from my place, it dropped me far away and I was forced to struggle home with my seven shopping bags. I thought, "I wouldn't mind having a Dr. Corey here right now to help me carry home my groceries," but then I remembered the line, "I could be doing shots with Drew Barrymore right now"; I didn't throw up in the sewer drain, but I thought about it.


daveb said...

"...-50 points if you have a bag of kitty litter in your cart"

Hey, fuck you, you dirty frosting flinging freak of a confectionary abortion!


Cupcake said...

daveb, I can just see you padding down the aisles of Target with your S.O. saying, "Honey, do we get the Multi-Cat or the extra-scoopable?". Gag. That's not a hairball in my throat; that's vomit.

Joe said...

You should have strode purposefully toward him and slapped him right across the face, Heather Locklear-in-Melrose-Place-style-circa-1994.

He had it coming.