Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I am the Maid who will fight for your Honor...

We have already picked out my dress!
I will be carrying the ceramic kitten in lieu of bouquet.
Last night I returned from a nice long weekend in Northampton where I was visiting my friend Smartypants and her fiance FribsinCharge. Northampton looked pretty much the same as it did when I was a student there, namely, covered in snow.
Sunday morning as we were eating pancakes Smartypants presented me with a cake and a birthday present. Although I do not feel emotionally ready to turn 25, I felt very ready to open my present which was a book I had listed on my Amazon Wishlist. Smarty and Fribs just heard about this whole, Amazon Wishlist thing, so they were looking up all of their friends to see if we were hip to this new trend (that has been around since 1998). The happy couple discovered that out of everyone they know, I have the most extensive Wish List, running over two pages. I think Smarty and Fribs were embarassed for me, but what can I say, I'm just a girl who knows what she wants.
Then, to keep the excitement coming, Smarty pulled out another gift bag for me- one with a wedding theme. Fribs wisely left the room to put on hearing protection. As I looked at the card on the gift, I saw the three most beautiful words a young woman can encounter "Maid of Honor". Smarty got down on one knee to ask me to be her Maid of Honor, but I was already screaming and jumping around. I think I kept saying, "Really? Really??" and Smarty kept saying, "Yeah. Yeah!". It was later reported that I was more excited by the Maid of Honor proposal than the bride was when the future groom proposed. The gift bag containted things like pantyhose, breath mints, chocolate, aspirin, you know, things a Maid of Honor might need on the "Big Day" but more like "things I go through on a typical Tuesday".
Now, let's talk about this. How excited am I to be Smarty's Maid of Honor? So excited that I have already experienced joyous incontinence surrounding this event. First of all, I love weddings and I have been trying to break into a wedding party ever since I was 14. This is a very sweet deal because Smarty isn't having any other bridesmaids, so it is a very special honor, although the downside is that there will be no lesser bridesmaids for me to boss around. Also, Smarty is going to be a great bride, she is very laid back and considerate and not the kind of bride who would hand her Maid of Honor a tube of superglue and ask her to individually glue shut the asshole of each of the doves that will be released following the ceremony so that no bird crap ends up on the Limo. Smarty doesn't roll like that. I think. I mean, I guess there is no telling what will happen to a woman once she becomes a bride. I have heard wide reports of sweet, lovely girls turning into fire-breathing Bridezillas. But if that does happen, the Maid of Honor is here to slap you across the face. It is my impression that one of the chief jobs of the Maid of Honor is to grab people by the shoulders, smack them across the face and yell "Snap out of it!". Frankly, if I don't get to slap anyone, I will be disappointed.
The other great thing about being a Maid of Honor is that I can now purchase bridal magazines with impunity. Every single young woman who is being honest, has desires to flip through bridal magazines. However, purchasing a wedding magazine when you have no wedding (and no prospects) looming makes you look like a desperate crazy person, but now browse away- "Don't judge me bitch, I'm the Maid of Honor". It was when I announced my plan to return to New York and purchase one copy of every single bridal magazine I could find that Fribs came up with this cute nickname for me: Spinster. As in, "Don't listen to Spinster, dear." Of course, my eyes instantly narrowed into laser-like slits at this, but then Fribs pointed out that I have to keep him alive for the next nine months; after all no groom = no wedding and no wedding = no Maid of Honor. Damn, his logic is tight.
Later, I began blackmailing the groom by telling Fribs that I had already devised a Dictionary themed wedding (Smarty works at The Dictionary) that has the potential to be super cute and that I could lobby really hard for it, but I would be willing to sit on this theme if he was nice to me. We seem to have reached a truce.

Of course, I am not really waring the dress shown at the top of the post. I am wearing this dress. These photos are courtesy of UglyDress.com, a treasure trove of ugly bridesmaid dresses.


Joshua said...

You can work at "the dictionary"? Is there one super dictionary? How can I work there?

Cupcake said...

Actually my friend works for a specific dictionary, a hallowed institution that probably wants nothing to do with the likes of this blog. Smarty was telling me all about the way of the dictionary and I found it fascinating!

By the way, I have edited this post many times to try to insert blank lines between the paragraphs, but nothing is working. Sometimes you really get my goat, Blogger.

bbrug said...

I guess I'm a mightier spinster than you: I can honestly say that I have never wanted to flip through a bridal magazine, ever. Not even when I was your tender age. But you go to it, miss.

Cupcake said...

bbrug, I think my love of all things nuptial only makes my impending spinsterhood sadder.

People, I hope you're not already bored with this Maid of Honor thing, because I am going to be droning on about this one for months.

LaHipster said...

I've had the Glory of Love in my head for two days now. Thanks.

Cupcake said...

Hip, as the sister of a little boy who watched The Karate Kid about 800 times, the same boy who now, as a young man, requested and received The Karate Kid box set on DVD from his Big Sister, I can assure you that The Glorly of Love has been stuck in my head since 1985.