Family Matters

Last night I called my Dad on the phone. His new girlfriend was over, who I will meet for the first time on Thanksgiving. My Dad like to do this little trick, "You want to say hello to Sweetie?"

"Uh..."

"Because she's sitting right here."

"Oh sure. Yeah! Put her on! Love talking to your girlfriend on the phone!"

Of course, one time I called and Sweetie wasn't over, but her dog was visiting, and my Dad made me get on the phone with her dog. So clearly, he's losing his mind at an even more accelerated rate than usual. I should have no problems getting him committed to the Senior Living Center of my choosing whenever I make that decision.

After I talked to Sweetie, who sounds very nice, I talked to my Dad again. I guess it's been a month since my brother moved out to Connecticut. "So, " I asked. "Do you miss LittleBrother?"

"She wants to know if we miss LittleBrother!" I heard him call to his girlfriend in the background. Then we all had a good laugh.

"Well," my Dad responded. "Do you know when you get that itchy skin rash and your thighs start to chafe? That's what it's like having your brother in the house. And you know that feeling you get when you put the medicated cream on the rash? That's like having your brother gone." Clearly, my father should have been a poet.

After I got off the phone with Dad, I saw that my brother had called me. See! I'm very popular with guys ... that I am related to. So I called LittleBrother. "Hey," he said. "Just have a quick question for you. Can you give me your Social Security number?"

"Ummmmm..... why?" I asked.

"Well, I get life insurance at work and I'm listing Dad as my beneficiary, but if he dies you'll be my beneficiary. So if I die and Dad dies, you might be in for a tidy little bundle."

"Oh, you want me to be your secondary beneficiary?"

"Yeah." [pause] "Man I can't believe you fell for that."

I decide to ignore the possible trouble my brother could rack up with my SSN. "Okay, but I'm in the Laundromat right now, so I don't want to just give out my SSN. How about I just email it to you tomorrow?"

"Sure," he said. "That works out great for everyone. Especially the guy whose job it is to read your email."

"Say, how does your girlfriend feel about this? Doesn't she want to be your beneficiary?"

"Nah, she knows I've got nothing but debt. If I die, you're going to owe money on me!"

"Great, " I said, "Can't wait for Thanksgiving," making a mental note to put both the LittleBrother and the OldMan on that kooky pomegranate juice. I told my Brother that although I had invited G2 home with us for Thanksgiving, he decided instead to spend the holiday in New York with his American friend. I can't believe he's passing on a ticket to this Freak Show.