Well, this is my last post before I head to Boston tomorrow to put on my Ultimate Maid of Honor helmet to make sure this wedding goes off with out a hitch, except for, you know, the big hitch, which is the whole point of this thing. Let's Recap:
SmartyPants asks me to be her Maid of Honor (back when I was in love with big font)
Okay, everyone all caught up?
Here is my number one goal for the wedding: I get to slap someone across the face and yell, "Snap out of it!" I feel like there are very few times you can bitch slap someone with total impunity and being the Maid of Honor may be it. I don't care if it is the bride, the groom, the mother-in-law, the clergy, the drunk uncle, the ex-boyfriend; friends, that is my one wish.
Number one fear: trip and fall. Long aisle, new heels, floor length hemline. No other bridesmaids or floor girl to distract the attention from me. And you know, if I'm going down, I'm going down hard and I'm going to laugh loud and long. That's just who I am. Runner up fear: double chin in wedding photos.
Advice to other guests. Single ladies, if for some deluded reason you have designs on catching the bridal bouquet during the the toss, think again. Think again. Think. Again.
Gentlemen, if you catch the garter and I catch the bouquet, be forewarned. My father lives in Rhode Island. It is not a very long drive from the reception site. If I call him on my cell phone and tell him that I was dishonored during the garter ceremony, he can be there before the Bride and Groom change into their traveling outfits. And then he will kill you. And then I will have to slap him across the face and yell, "Snap out of it!" And then I will cry and say, "I love you, Pop." And then I will have turned the world's whitest wedding into My Big Fat Guido Fest, and that will really be a feather in the cap of this Maid of Honor.
Also, my Yo La Tengo silk handkerchief did not arrive in time, so it looks like I will not be the coolest Maid of Honor ever. Although since I am contemplating wearing my week-old New Balance Nerd Sneakers down the aisle, I guess there was no chance of that happening.
