Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Cupcake Transist Authority

Don't worry, anonymous commentor. I was not blown up in the building explosion on 62nd street. But I am going to the doctor today on East 40th street, so if any docs down there decide to gie a big "screw you" to the ex-wife and blow up something down there, you are all expected to come to New York and dig for my little body in the rubble. It is your duty as loyal blog readers.

Here's a conversation I had with my Dad last night.

"What is are these side effects you are having Metallic taste in your mouth? That sounds awful."

"I'm getting used to it. It's not that bad. Except for seltzer. Seltzer tastes terrible now. And really, seltzer was all I drank."

"I read your email. It sounds like you're not doing very well at all. Do you want me to come down there? Just say the word and I will. There's plenty of room for two people in your apartment. I can sleep standing up, propped up by the air conditioner."

"No, no. things are getting better. I'm going to see a new doctor tomorrow and I'm going to tell her to run every test in the goddamn book. Do you think I should have my prostate examined?"

ignoring that "I got a new car. I'm leasing a Honda Accord. Do you care? You don't care. You've never cared about cars."

"No, not really."

"You'd care if I bought a subway."

"Hey, yeah, that'd be great."

"You'd care if I got a job with the Transit Authority."

"Daddy, will you buy me my own private subway car so I don't have to ride with the other derelicts?"

From then on, I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I just kept thinking about what it would be like to have my own private subway. In a city obsessed with selling "air rights" doesn't it seem like only a matter of time before they start selling "underground rights" so that rich people can build private subways? With Manhattan traffic, many times of day the subway is faster than a cab or limo. Who is to say private subways don't already exist? Think of all the little locked stairways and doors you see underground every day.

The Cupcake Subway would be an express from my apartment to my office and would make use of existing track. It would run from the 7th Avenue Q stop to the 51st Street 6 Stop. It would be just for me and my friends, some of who admittedly, are derelicts. There would be no pushing. No holding doors open or blocking them. No spreading the world about Jesus, the End Times, the vast right-wing conspiracy or any left-wing conspiracy. No eating dim sum. No hitting your kids. No loud conversations. No leering, rubbing or public exposure. No trying to get on the train with your bike, giant shopping cart, stroller, enormous piece of furniture, or found art. No doing your nails or curling your eyelashes. No fake homeless guys. Real homeless guys will be permitted provided they follow the no pushing and no exposing themselves rules. Oh Man, that would be so sweet.

Okay, we now resume this blogging brownout. Stand by for further insturctions.


Joshua said...

I believe in the early 20th century they attempted to build a seperate subway line for the elite, the Astors and Canergies and the like. But that might just be an urban legend.

Feel better Cuppie.

Michael said...

Good to hear you are alive and getting yourself taken care of. We were getting worried.


charles said...

YEAH!!! welcome back!! Sniff, i missed you!