Check, please.

Recently at one of my very engaging dinner parties the brilliant and only slightly wine-addled brains of three young feminists tackled the pressing issue of how best to carve a FreshDirect chicken. And then after we solved that one, discussion came around to another favorite chestnut: on one of these mythological "dates" that I keep hearing about, between a man and a woman say, who pays the bill? (Feel free to take a powder on this one, lesbians.)

This question was in my mind ever since I read in this advice in the New York Magazine Urban Etiquette Handbook:

Who pays the bill on a date? The asker pays, unless the woman does the
asking—then the man should pay. If the check’s on the table and her suitor
hasn’t moved for it, a woman should allow him a one-bathroom-trip grace period.
If it’s still there when she comes back, she should split the bill but is
entirely free to silently ruminate about what a cheap jerk he is.

I mean, nicely played Em & Lo, or whoever was responsible for this gem, I think we all enjoy a little well-written snark while we're waiting for the Q Train, but surely no one actually feels this way, do they?

Well, since my dinner guest were both Smithies, conversation soon turned to the excerpt of Courtney Sullivan's forthcoming book that ran in the Smith Alumnae Quarterly recently. Sullivan '03, my own class year, provides her tips on finding a suitable partner (say, is a 25-year old qualified to write this book?):

Admit that money matters. In our battle for independence, many of us have grown
increasingly confused about the role money plays in romantic relationships.
Attention fellow feminists: I do not believe that a woman should pay on the
first date, or the second, or the third. It is important to establish from the
beginning that you want a partner who is financially stable (as you are), who
can support himself (as you do), and who has the courtesy to treat you well
(just as you’d treat him). Financial security is a key part of a successful
marriage, so do yourself a favor and only seek out someone who meets your
monetary standards from the start.

So, what's going on, here? Am I the only feminist who believes saying "I wanted to be treated as an equal" is implicitly followed by "and I will treat you like an equal"? Has Sullivan allowed for this in what she's written and I'm not seeing it? Is a man's willingness to pick up the check indicative of his financial "stability"? I'd definately argue the opposite. I think we've all been out with plenty of men and women who charge up expenseive dinners and entertainment costs on a credit card they can't pay off. If a guy takes you out for the tasting menu at Nobu does it mean he's fincially responsible or that he'll be paying it off for six months because he felt the need to impress you?

Also, this not not allow for temporary income disparities. If you're a working woman, and he's a law student who has taken on big debt and is strapped at the time but will have greater earning potential later, should he be crossed off the list because he doesn't have the big bucks now? And is this for real? What if it's a permanent income gap? Let's say the woman is a stock analyst and the man is a public school teache. Does he still have to pick up the check or walk the plank?

Look, it's nice to be taken out to dinner. I think that's something most men and women can agree on. And I abhor ugly squabbling over the check- if someone wants to treat me, man or woman, I think the thing to do is graciously accept. But that also means that the next time we go out, I expect to pick up the tab.

I suppose you could take the tongue out of the cheek and argue that the person who makes the invitation pays, but then some women don't believe in asking men out (kind of like not believing in the internet, if you ask me). Those same women probably find themselves on the "fainting couch" being revived by "smelling salts".

Of course, all of this is a moot point as it's been donkey's years since my last (premeditated) date. People could actually be paying the check with intergalactic space wampum these days and I wouldn't have a clue.