Sunday, May 07, 2006

Thanks for Nothing, Sugar Free Oreos

Thanks to the GreatDane for this image. Her design is so brilliant, for ten seconds, I actually thought ExLax made Oreo flavored laxatives. I've said it before- my readers are talented.

My quest to eat healthier and lose weight is waddling on with unimpressive results. Last week at the grocery store I bought some Sugar Free Oreos because that seemed like a healthier choice for snacking. On Thursday as I was eating the oreos and watching Newsradio on DVD I noticed some print on the box "Not a reduced calorie food." This writing was in a very pale color and it barely stood out from the background. So, I turned the box over to read the nutrition label, or "Neutron Label", as G6 would say. Sure enough, there are 100 calories in two cookies, which seems pretty normal. I checked the fat content to see if I was reaping some benefits there. Nope. So what exactly is the point of sugar free Oreos and, just what the hell is in these things?

I read the ingredients. The first item was Malitol*. Oh boy. I may not be a nutritionist but even I know that an asterisk is not something you want to see in an ingredients list. Then I looked at the footnote: *"Excess consumption may have a laxative effect."

What the hell, Sugar Free Oreos? I thought I had found a compromise between a delicious yet healthy snack. It turns out I was cuddled up with America's Favorite Stool Softener with the tasty creme filling. Now I'm scared to look on the back of my bottle of Fat Free Hazlenut Coffee Mate.

Unrelated note: Der Man brought me the prize from his cereal box this morning. Our courtship continues on the level of two 8-year olds. That sounds about right.


Janet said...

I had some oreos last night with my hot chocolate. They were very good. Now I can buckle down and really tone everything up for bikini season without any setbacks about "never having oreos."

There is something freakish and unnatural about sugar-free goodies. I think the oreos you bought were primarily for people with diabetes.

timmy-dimmy said...

sugar-free oreos are like NPR-free Cupcakes: unnatural

Three words for losing weight and still getting your sugar fix: Eat More Fruit.

(it's nature's candy...and can also have a laxitive effect)

Joe said...

Newsradio fucking rules!

Cupcake said...

Fruit: on a scale of one to five, I give it a three. Needs more chocolate, I say.

Newsradio does indeed fucking rule.

Sheena said...

Why not just go for a hit of straight dark chocolate (like a good 70%)? To hell with the trans fats of Oreos! Down with fake sugars! Have a smaller bit of the good stuff. It has antioxidants!

Huzzah for chocolate!

Melliferous Pants said...

While munching on a box of Aqua Drops in a night class I discovered the same warning. Luckily, "things" went okay but it had me worried.

a girl like me said...

Yes, those sugar free lollies can be *ahem* nasty. I knew someone once who was too embarrassed to buy laxatives so he bought Double D lollies which have a heap of sorbitol (malitol), needless to say he thought it wouldn't work but it DID and he recommended never ever doing that ever...from what I gathered it was a very unpleasant evening - 'like knives stabbing my gut!!!' :D (I should not laugh).