Monday, April 10, 2006

A few eggs short of a full Easter Basket

I've been kinda annoyed with my Dad concerning Easter this year. He just sold is house and is having a lot of work done to his new condo before he moves in. In the meantime he's staying with his girlfriend in her little apartment above the beauty shop. I said, "What are we going to do about Easter this year? LittleBrother and I are not going to stay overnight in Sweetie's apartment. Not gonna happen. Why do we meet halfway and go to LB's place in Connecticut. We'll have dinner out." As a total long shot, I suggested that Pop and Sweetie and whoever he wanted to bring come to New York City. "I'll make a reservation in one of the best restaurants in the city and we'll have a fabulous dinner!"

"I'll think about it," said my father.

I knew New York wasn't going to happen, but Easter in Stamford seemed pretty fair. We were just home last month, and the trip to Rhode Island as I make it is kind of a pain in the ass: I take the subway to Grand Central (usually during rush hour with my suitcase), then the Metro North train to Stamford, then my brother and I drive an hour and a half home. It's the cheapest way for me to do it, but it's kind of a bullshit hassle. Also, my brother and I have to work on Monday, so I didn't want to get back too late. But last week, before I left for Denver my father called me at work and said, no discussion, my brother and I were going home for Easter, we were having dinner with Sweetie and her family and my father had taken the liberty of booking us a room at a motel a few towns over. I was peeved at the way this plan was imposed on us and not so thrilled at the prospect of checking into a no tell motel with my brother as Mr. and Mrs. Cupcake.

But as my brother pointed out, the old man misses us and he's all hot for building his own "blended family" right now. We're about two steps away from becoming a big Guido Brady Bunch. And, you know, it's Easter. If Jesus can find the strength to rise from the dead and hide hard-boiled eggs, then I can get through this holiday.

My father just called me on the phone to ask what time we were coming home on Saturday night because he and Sweetie want to have dinner with me and the LittleBrother.

"So you're telling me not to make plans because we're all going to have dinner together on Saturday night?" I asked.


"Will Sweetie's daughters be there too?"

"No, just the four of us."

"Okay. Do I need to be nervous?"

"No, what do you think, we're going to make an announcement? [to Sweetie] She thinks we're going to make an announcement! Yeah, we got an announcement for you, we've adopted a Korean baby. His name is Win Sum Fuck. The dog likes him. He's going to be real cute once we get his harelip fixed. You've got a new baby brother!"

Nervous laughter from me.

"No! We just want to have dinner with you."

"Okay, I just couldn't imagine why we need to have dinner together."

"You don't come home that often so we want to have a Saturday night dinner with you. Because we love you. Why are you being so difficult? I just want to take you our for a chicken dinner. Why are you aggravating me?"

"Okay, great, we'll all have dinner. You're the once who got yourself all wound up."

"I don't get wound up anymore. I live the simple life, remember? I swear to God, the next time around I'm going to have hamsters, they're so much easier than children."

Laughter without pause from me.

"So I just got off the phone with your brother. He's just getting home from work. Hello? Are you there? Are you doing something else while you're talking to me??"

"No." Actually, I was surfing the web.

"Well, I can see this conversation is coming to a close real fast. Do you have anything else you want to say to me to aggravate me? Why don't you call me again tomorrow. I'll probably be having a good day then and you can ruin that one too. Hey, why don't you send me your Christmas List again? That will calm me down. And why don't you put some more books on it, this year. Jesus Christ."


"So we'll see you on Saturday. Remember, you have a room at the Hampton Inn. Did you remember that?"

"Yeah, LittleBrother and I are going to have a great time."

"Dinner on Saturday, Sunday is Easter. Did you remember that Sunday is Easter."

"Yes, right, Easter."

"Okay, I've got to go, Sweetie and I have very important things to do. On Mondays we wash our underwear out in the sink. See you soon!"


Dawn Z(ed) said...

Everytime you post a conversation you have had with your dad I pull a muscle laughing so hard.

Vanessa said...

This is funnier than anything I've read in a "chick lit" book. You have got to start writing a book.