Da-Dump-Da-Da

Here is an excerpt from an email I sent to SmartyBride yesterday:

"I spent a lot of time looking at bridal magazines and websites this weekend for both wedding and journalism related research and I don't envy you. First of all, these magazines are heavy and expensive. Then, when you lug the damn thing home, you get as your reward to look and hundreds of pages of anemic looking brides and slutty bridesmaids. Now, obviously the women you choose as your maids are your friends and you want them to feel comfortable and attractive, but you also don't want them to distract from the ceremony which I feel is exactly what happens when you put a single young woman in a dress with a "V" shaped cut down to her navel, practically with both of her breasts hanging on for dear life in either side of what remains. Who are these people who have friends who can wear such things? I have the greatest friends in the world, but the only ones skinny enough to wear these dresses have no boobs and the ones with pleseant curves would look ridiculous and humiliating in such a thing. Also, all of the bridesmaids wear expressions on their faces that look like they just screwed all the groomsmen in the back of the caterer's van and are contemplating making a pass at the Father of the Bride. How come they never show a bridesmaid whose taught, nervous expression shows what she is really thinking, "Oh god I hope I don't have lettuce in my teeth from that Whopper I snuck en route to the reception, but I was so hungry and if I fuck up these photos not only will the bride never speak to me again, but she probably won't return my eyelash curler either."

Then, you get to look at photo spreads of "real weddings" where the intendeds have names like Thurston and Margot, beautiful destination weddings in Sweeden and Napa Valley. Everything looks picture perfect and there are plenty of good ideas to crib, except you can tell from the first glace that you are looking at an affair that cost eleventy million dollars. Can you say, "here comes the self-esteem crisis"? Also, the more I learn about just how much work is actually involved in planning a wedding, the more I think that instead of throwing rice, wedding guests should just throw Valium. Perhaps it's a good thing that I am hopelessly, terminally single."

Anyway, I went on from there to discuss bridesmaid dresses. For those of you in the know, I have these questions: What is a Trunk Show? As in, there is a bridal boutique in Bay Ridge having a Trunk Show by this designer I like, by appointment only. What will happen to me if I make an appointment and go to thing? Also, since I am the only (and therefore greatest) maid in attendence, it is not necessary I buy an "official bridesmaid" dress. Any formal option will do. If I buy someplace else, like Bloomingdales, say, will there be any disadvantages? Also, when I go dress shopping, what do I need to bring to ensure a successful outing? Since Smarty lives out of town, I figured I'd scout a few places first before dragging her down here to tour the duds with me. And for any New York ladies, can you reccomend a place in the city where I can get a nice dress without spending an arm and a leg, plus alterations and friendly service?

Please help me, I'm just a little girl with a simple dream: to be the greatest Maid of Honor the world has ever known.