I Used to Have Finger Prints.

After putting it off all week, I had to clean my oven. I needed to get the brown sticky stain off the bottom of the oven so the next time I turned it on, it wouldn't produce a thick, cloying smoke causing me to run around my apartment like a cockroach in its death throes. So I went to Duane Reade and bought some Easy-Off Oven Cleaner and long rubber gloves that were highly suggested by the back of the can.

Last night I laid down newspaper under the stove, turned on all my fans, opened the windows and put on the rubber gloves. It was clear from these precautions that the Easy-Off was not intended to get on my skin, my eyes, my floors, or into my lungs, and yet I was going to go nuts spraying it into my oven, the place where I cook my food. This was disturbing to me, but I didn't have much of a choice. I sprayed the hell out of the oven, closed the door and let it sit. The fumes were indeed powerful and despite my efforts at ventilation, I was coughing. I had almost asphxyated myself last week on the smoke, and now, to prevent further smoke, I did have visions of choking to death on toxic chemical fumes. Really, I should not live alone, but I just value nake time so much!

The instructions said to let the cleaner sit for 20 minutes or more for heavy stains, so I let it sit for about two hours as I watched a couple of episodes of Wonderfalls on DVD. Then I put the gloves back on, took a sponge and wiped the whole thing down, rinsing with lots of water. Much of the stain came up, but not all of it. So, I looked at the can again and decided to try the overnight option. I sprayed the bottom of the oven again, closed the door and went to bed.

When I woke up this morning, shortly before seven I said, oh shit, I have to take care of the oven. I opened the door and not only was the bottom covered in white foam, but the sides, top and back as well. That seemed strange, since I thought I had rinsed that all last night. But I took the sponge and just started scrubbing away again. It didn't take too long and when I finished, my fingers felt a little funny. They felt puckered like I had been sitting in the bath tub for an hour. I didn't think anything of it. Maybe it was the water from all that scrubbing and rinsing. Then I remembered, crap, I forgot to put the rubber gloves on this morning. No problem, I'm sure a nice hot shower will take care of things.

After the shower my fingers still felt weird, but I was rushing to get ready for work. They look like I've been working with glue, a little scaly, if you know what I'm talking about. The last thing I did before I left for the train was to wash my hands again and put on moisturizer, it has had about zero effect. My fingertips are still dry and weird looking. I wonder if I've burnt off my fingertips, rendering unsuceptible to common criminal catching methods. I will test this theory by embarking on a major crime spree. First items to shoplift: vaseline intensive hand moisturizer. And batteries for the smoke detector.