On the 7th Day, they took away my email

Well, things sure have been busy at my new job. Is it just me, or does that seem rather, unfair? I mean, isn't the first month supposed to be one big softball honeymoon? Why do you think I keep starting new jobs at the end of November? So I can reap the benefits of the holiday parties without exerting myself too much, that's why. Well, at least I'm cleaning up in the holiday party department. We're having a Team Party on Monday night, complete with Secret Santa, or whatever the politically correct terminology is these days; Secret Santa is particularly onerous when you're new, by the way. Then, the big company party is on Thursday at the Rainbow Room! Yay. And there's also a luncheon just for Administrative Assistants and some other miscellaneous receptions, but I tell you, I'm working for it.

Because I sit at a large shared desk on the (back of) the trading floor, I don't have any privacy (or time) to surf the Internet. However, for the past few days I had managed to log in and check my personal e-mail several times a day. Well, today I tried to log-in to my Yahoo account and I was blocked. Apparently the Tech Gods caught up with me and my computer is now blocking all web based email applications. I tried Gmail too. Blocked. I was miffed. When I asked around, I heard that photo-sharing sites are also blocked and probably anything else that could be fun. I don't even want to check because whenever I try to access a blocked site a report pops up, and I'm sure one is sent to IT as well. Motherfuckers. I was rather pissed off. Well, that settles it, nothing left to do but get down to work...

Nope, I was off to my orientation for new hires, an orientation that was conveniently held ... on the Internet with a dial-in conference call number. "I don't want to have orientation online, I want to sit down face to face with someone," I told an HR representative last week. Well, apparently the company is growing so fast there is a shortage of meeting rooms, and besides I was getting orientated with all the new hires in the US, so I was on a call with people from DC and Texas as well. Let me explain how orientation over a conference call sounds, "Okay, can everyone hear me? Yes? Is John here?"

"Which John?"

"John from Waterview?"

"Yes, I'm here."

"Where is the second John from?"

silence

"Wait, there's only one John on the call."

"Hello? I can't hear you. You're cutting out."

"I didn't say anything."

"Can you say something now? I don't think I can hear you."

"Can you hear me now?"

"I have a question about the Short Term Disability Insurance, Cora. Cora? Cora? I think Cora got cut off."

"Cora's not leading the seminar today, my name is Meghan."

That went on for over an hour. Do you know how many times I could have checked my email during that nonsense? Also, a group conference call and slide presentation doesn't really offer the confidential environment you need to ask all the questions you really want to know at orientation.

"Say Meghan, I was treated for a serious rash three years ago. I think I'm about to experience a flare up here. Can I receive treatment under the health plan, or will that be considered a prior condition, even though I didn't received any treatment during the past two years I was with my old health plan. Hello? Can you hear me?"

Yesterday I returned from lunch with two cookies I purchased at Cucina & Co. in a paper bag I put in my desk drawer. Somehow, through the magic that is my life, the paper bag worked its way out of the draw and fell behind the drawers in the nether reaches of my filing cabinet. Well, all I had for lunch was soup, hale and hearty though it was, and I was going to be damned if I was going to lose two peanut butter cookies to the ages. They were really stuck behind the drawers of my desk, and my hand was too big to get in the crack, so I had to knock the cookies all the way to the bottom, get on my hands and knees, and poke at the paper bag with a long pair of scissors while muttering and swearing under my breathe. Finally after sustaining some damage to my hand and tearing the paper bag, I liberated my cookies. When I got back into my chair and looked around, I realized that no one had noticed my bizarre behavior at all. I am still in the invisible stage of the new job and it makes me belligerent. It's a wonder I have any friends in my private life at all.