The Next Person Who Says Germans Have No Sense of Humor Gets a Kick in the Teeth

I was just dying laughing, because one of my co-workers was describing the backroom where two of our German colleagues sit, "God, it was like a U-Boat back there today. One of them was reading numbers ... the other one was repeating the numbers back", he mimed looking around with a periscope.

"Oh my God," I said. "We work in Das Boot!"

Last night I went out with Frau Foxtrot and some young German women who had come to New York as tourists. Frau F was doing a family friend a favor by taking them out and she invited me so that she could produce a real, live New York American for their entertainment. "It will be fun, " she said. "I'm sure they would like to practice their English."

Now the phrase 'she really wants to practice their English' is a lie along the lines of 'the check is in the mail'. No one wants to practice their English when they are in a group where the majority of people speak the same mother-tongue. Hell, I never feel like 'practicing my German'. So predicatably we all chatted mostly in German. At one point I tried to say something profound about September 11, 2001. The girls just looked at me. I asked Frau Foxtrot, "Can you understand me?"

"No," she said.

"Oh, Klasse. 'Du sprichst totalen Unsinn aber wir sind alle zu hoeflich etwas zu sagen'. " (Oh Great. 'You speak total nonsense but we are all too polite to say anything').

I did get to learn some great new German words including "Arschgeweih" which means the same thing as the American Tramp Stamp but translates literally as "Ass Antlers". Also, I asked, "What do people say to get you to smile when you take a photo? We say, 'Say Cheese!'" They told me several answers but the best by far was "Ameisescheisse" which means "Ant Shit." What a fun-loving people!

I recommended that we take the girls to Ellen's Stardust Diner which is a tourist trap, but it's fun and it's loud, so I wouldn't be expected to carry on lengthy conversations of substance. If you don't know, Ellen's Stardust is a 50's style diner with a waitstaff who sings and dances on the tables. It's a great place to get some bad food, especially if you enjoy watching Broadway hopefuls belt out "These Boots Were Made For Walkin'" and "Suddenly Seymour". FF and I were singing along- no doubt if we had been drinking alcohol we would have been up on the tables too. FF shocked me by pointing to a giant screen showing "I Love Lucy" and asking me, "What's that?" You cannot explain how great "I Love Lucy" is to a non-American. Cannot be done.

While we were in the diner, someone was having a birthday, so the waitstaff made a big deal and sang Happy Birthday. I asked if they did that in German restaurants even though I already knew the answer to that question. You may be presented with a complimentary dessert, but there is no singing. A German would rather tear his own skin off than have an insincere stranger sing to them in a public place. We have a lot to learn from that culture.