Let's Get Bridal

When you are a bride, your wedding becomes a giant hairy beast that climbs onto your back and will not let go until after you have sent out the last goddamn thank you note. Everywhere you go people ask, "How's the wedding going? Did you set a date? Have you booked a hall? Have you bought your dress? What are your colors? Are you having a videographer?" and so on and so on. Your entire life, from the first breath you take in the morning until your last thought before your mind empties at night is about The Wedding. At least, this is what I have been told.

When you are a Maid of Honor, you spend most of your time sitting around, picking your nose until the thought occurs to you, 'hey, I should do some wedding-y stuff."

Tonight, SmartyPants is coming in from Northampton to spend the weekend with me. We will go shopping for my dress and have a pow wow about the state of the impending union. Also, we will go to the circus, but that's another story.

When Smarty first asked me to be her MOH she said, "Since you're the only bridesmaid, you can wear whatever you want."

"Well, okay," I said skeptically, "but let me know when you decide on a color scheme."

"There is no color scheme." Okay, I tried not to panic. I think the problem here was that when Smarty thought of the words "color scheme" she thought of an "awesome 80s prom" and "turquoise and hot pink." And since Smarty is a very low-key down-to-earth person and she has never been a member of a sorority (unless she's keeping something from me) she thought, 'I don't need a color scheme.'

I went along with this but inside I was thinking, "There has to be a color scheme! You've got to coordinate you flowers and linnens and invitation and gowns and the favors so everything matches!" because we know that deep down, I am a bleeding-heart Guido traditionalist when it comes to these things. Also, I didn't really want the responsibility of picking the color of my dress from out of the entire spectrum of visible light. Basically, Smarty is the kind of person who never wants to hurt your feelings. If I arrived at her wedding wearing a impromptu minidress made out of blue-tinted Saran Wrap she would say, 'You look nice," instead of saying "Oh hell no." So I'm glad we will be shopping together so I know she is happy with the end result.

Of course, Smarty went home to consult with her mother and this is going to be some color cordination. I think the new directive I was issued was something like, 'reds, pinks, browns, whites.'

I sent Smarty links to the places where we have appointments on Saturday, namely Kimera Designs in Brooklyn and Simple Silhouettes in SoHo. She checked out the silk shantung swatches and wrote the following in an email from Smarty:

I like watermelon, poppy, burnt sienna, pomegranate, maize, fawn, chocolate, leaf (maybe), pinkish ivory, champagne, and lavender gingham (okay, just kidding about that one).

It took me an instant to realize she was talking about colors and not food. Yes, I like maize too, but my people call it corn. Oh. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the bridal experience! Also she had provided links to the dress styles that she liked. Meanwhile, I had been picking my nose (see above). So tomorrow it's time to toss a pair of pantyhose into my purse, grab a Metro Card and have a serious talk with my credit cards about doing some heavy lifting and hit the town until we commission someone to make me a dress. Oh, it's on.