He Is Not Impressed by my Shaker Lifestyle

LittleBrother has really been on my back to get an Internet connection at home; he thinks it is totally ridiculous that I don't have one. Basically he told me to take some of the overtime pay I'm getting now and spend the goddamn $29.95 a month and just do it. I was kinda holding out, but for Christmas I got a digital camera! Yes!! It wasn't even on my list (in case anyone was wondering I did get a dustbuster which made me supremely happy, but that was the only thing I on my list I received. Both Pop and Bro thought my list was shit). So anyway, now I have a digital camera and when I figure the damn thing out, in approx 3-4 months, I can take nice pictures and upload them to the blog and use them for other projects. So I finally caved on getting Internet at home.

This morning, after about a solid 10 minutes of research I decided to go with Optimum Online. But I was all concerned that I wouldn't be able to use the service because I don't have cable and am not planning on getting it. So I called OO and after listening to some jazzed up Muzak, I got on the phone with a Sales representative. I told him I was interested in the high speed Internet service.

"Can I have your Cablevision account number?"

"Um, I don't have one. In fact, I don't own a television. Am I still going to be able to get Internet?"

"What? What?? You don't own a television? That's horrible!"

I was laughing. "No. No it's not. It's great."

"You don't own a television?? Oh my God. We could never be in a relationship. I would be out of there so fast. I don't care what you look like or how nice you are. It would never work."

So, still laughing, I gave the guy my zip code so he could see if I was eligible for the service. Then I explained to him that I think that most of television is crap and if a series is any good it will come out on DVD anyway. He said he saw my point but was totally unwilling to give up sports and the History channel. "What about CNN? It's very informative."

"I listen to a lot of Public Radio."

"Yeah, I know you do."

So, I'm able to get the high speed and the guy told me there would be a free external installation and I'd have to take care of installing everything from the wall to my computer. It costs $29.95 a month for the first year, then $49.95 a month after the first year. What?? $50 bucks is pretty high. He said I was being punished for not having a television, then he started talking about speed and computer stuff, so I just said, yeah, okay sign me up.

"How much will it cost to have you install everything?"

"What? You don't want to do that. You'll lose the promotional price. Come on, you don't think you can do it?"

"Um..."

"Have a friend come over. Two heads are better than one. Although, with no TV to watch, man..."

"Okay, I'm sure I can get a friend to come over." (Johnny? Hipster? Help.) "So you're telling me the installation is easy, right?"

"Well, the general population is able to do it. "Easy" is a relative word." Okay, so as long as I'm as smart as the general population this shouldn't be a problem. Hmm, judging from "Deal or No Deal" I think I'm all set.

So we set up an appointment and I dug out the plastic and we're all set. "Thanks for calling, and thanks for letting me tease you."

"No problem."

"You have a good personality, I could hear it from when you first said 'hello'. When you can't use your eyes to see a person, you have to depend on your ears."

"Thanks. So really, we could have a relationship..."

"Yeah, for a little while. It wouldn't last though, not without the television."

I appreciate your honesty, Optimum Online Guy. By the way, my appointment is for January 7th if any good Samaritan cupcakes want to come over and hold my hand...