They Might as Well Superimpose the Bulls Eye Right On my Wallet

I have a dream: that someday I will go to Target and get out of there without spending $200. Hasn't happened yet. Maybe next weekend.

I went to Target on Sunday because I had some very simple needs. Get a three shelf pantry cart on casters (some assembly required), strapless bra, pair of pliers, hand soap refill, measuring cups, salt shaker. How did this end up costing $200?

First I have to admit that I succumbed and purchased an Isaac Mizrahi Table Cloth. But wait, Cupcake. I thought you already purchased a beautiful blue Damask table cloth from Crate and Barrel when you bought your chair pads on sale. Yes, this is true, but my table cloth, by the very nature of the fact that this is were I eat my food, gets very dirty, and I must launder it, and I can't stand to look at my bare table, not even for two hours, so I had to buy a second one to rotate it. Target does not have a great table cloth selection, so I cracked and went with one of those giant, scary Isaac Mizrahi flower designs. Later, when I told my Dad about my purchase of a Glade Plug in with Extra Outlet and Nightlight he said, "It must be nice to have money. Well, you are just single-handedly keeping the US economy afloat. George Bush is going to personally send you a Thank You Note for doing your part." If only my father, or George Bush for that matter, had any idea.

As far as a pair of pliers, all I can say is that there are many, many different kinds of pliers. No one told me that. I purchased two pairs that looked both helpful and bad-assed. Every trip to Target I arrive home with more tools. So I will have a tool kit that could put Tim Taylor to shame. Decorative wall-mounted shelves were on sale. Must have something to bang tools on. Throw it into the cart. My testicles should be descending soon.

Now, I don't usually shop for bras at Target, but I wanted to wear a halter top out Sunday night and I needed a strapless or convertible bra and I just wanted to pick up something cheap. So I made my way to the "Intimates" section of Target and began slogging through mountains of bras. I couldn't find anything in size 40 regardless of cupsize in the style I needed, although I'm sure I could have found some 40s in the the nursing bras section. So, I walked up to two sales girls who were having a discussion. I stood politely off to the side waiting for them to help me. No help was forthcoming, so I just started talking, interrupting what I'm sure was a very important conversation about Brenda's baby's Daddy. "Excuse me," I said, "I'm looking for a strapless or convertible bra and I need a size 40..."
"No size 40. No size 40 left. 34, 36, 38. A, B, C, no D's. There's a few DDs." Halfway through this list I gave the thumbs down and made a farting noise with my mouth because that is how I felt about the situation. I returned to the bras to see if I could find a little gem someone had overlooked, but I was not feeling hopeful.

Two large women walked by me. One was large enough to fit two of me. They were on a quest for a 38C. I couldn't imagine why, perhaps they were building a sling shot. Then I remembered. Most women wear the wrong sized bra anyway! Thousands of women wear bras that are too small for them, hell, for $9.99, a cute halter and one night, I could be one of them.

I can't really tell you what else I bought, some kitchen stuff, but I think I showed a lot of restraint in that area, some comsmetics, handsoap refills, some frozen pizzas, and before you know it, you're at two bills.

The good news is that when you're bringing that much stuff home, and you've already dropped that much dough, it's easy to justify a ride home in a Gypsy cab. This is how we roll.