Thursday, June 02, 2005

Q and A With Cupcake

Q: Cupcake, why no steady stream of poignant and witty posts lately?

A: Because my family is sucking the life out of me.

Q: Your family? But they live in RI and you live all the way in Brooklyn!

A: Does not matter how far away you move, they will find a way to bring the crazy to you.

Q: Approximately how many phone calls from your brother and father combined did you receive between the hours of 8:30pm yesterday and 12:30pm today?

A: I don't know. 12? 14?

Q: Yikes! So what's going on?

A: My brother graduated college with a degree in PR. Three days later my father is already calling to complain that he doesn't have a job and he's not even looking and he needs to get out of the house. My brother takes his first job interview in Flushing, Queens for some scam that is obviously a pyramid scheme, they want him to start Monday. And he needs to bring his car. He thinks this is terriffic and asks if he can move in with me while we look for a two bedroom apartment together. Although I dissuade him from taking the job I say yes. My father wants to know what the hell is wrong with me that I am enabling him to make this stupid decision. I start thinking about life with another person stuffed into my apartment while I try to look for a new apartment, find a subletter for my room, pack and move into a new place for July 1 while my brainwashed brother takes a job selling remote controlled UFOs on in high traffic areas. I begin shaking from the stress so bad that I need to take a Target-brand sleeping pill and still have nightmares all night.

Q: Oh.

A: So I send him an email this morning and tell him he can come spend some time with me, see how he likes the city, use my apartment for his job search and I'll help him find jobs, review apartment listings and send him to some good head hunters but he cannot take this crackpot job and move in.

Q: How does he take it?

A: He says, "Oh, okay. Crisis averted." He's feeling much better and has decided that he doesn't want to move to Brooklyn with me, is going to look for jobs in RI and that I should resume looking for a studio apartment.

Q: Great. So you're all set. Now all you need to do is continue to search for a liveable studio apt. in Brooklyn for under a grand.

A: Right. And find a woman for my father.

Q: What??

A: Long story. I'll tell you later.

Q: How are you holding up?

A: Functioning only by the grace of Starbucks and Diet Coke.

Q: What would make you feel better?

A: A cupcake.

Q: Okay. Anyway to take the edge off without stuffing more sugar into your system?

A: What are you saying?

Q: Stress eat much?

A: Why don't you go to hell?

Q: Hey, I'm the one asking the questions around here.

A: Cupcake! CUPCAKE!!

Q: Alright, alright. I'll give you a cupcake. Then we can spend the rest of your lunch hour buying some elastic waist pants and you can adopt six cats because your chances of find a man are decreasing while your ass is expanding.

A: Why you....!!! (a fist fight ensues)

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Queenie said...

Madame Cupcake,
May I request a little description of what you are looking for in a woman for your papa? I gots ideas!!

Cupcake said...

Queenie, we should talk. Whadda got? I'll post later this week about How (Not) to Date My Father.