Dear John.

Dear John,

Since I am unwilling to subscribe to Match.com, I am unable to respond to the e-mail you sent me last night. So perhaps I can address some points here; you'll get closure and I'll get to keep my $21.99 or whatever it is Match charges these days. I am flattered that you think I "seem interesting" (swoon!). Good news: I am interesting! However, you will not get to experience this in person. Here is why: 31 is too old for me. It says so in my profile, but perhaps you were too distracted by my "interesting" profile to take note. Also, although you are 31, in the photo you posted on your profile you look to be about 17. I find this both confusing and creepy. You seem to think that it is very important that you are "Ivy Educated" as you mention this about four or five times. Sadly, you picked the one girl on Match.com who doesn't give a shit. Really? Ivy School? Is that were they taught you such bon mots as "I like to spend time with people I like."? I got into the Ivies and turned them down. Bummer for you. And in conclusion: Staten Island. Not gonna happen.

Good luck on your search, I know you'll find the right girl for you. Afterall, you seem very interesting.